The Thoughts...

I admire the people who always talk about how grateful they are for their friends...

I'm sure I do have good friends...

but sometimes I wish I had different ones.

Nevermind, that's stupid. God has blessed me.

I don't wish for better friends. I wish I could be more grateful

I must say, that song (Favorite things) would definitely fall at the very bottom of a list of my favorite things, because I am in deed NOT a fan of that song. However, times are tough (real tough) and I have decided that instead of going through a routine of grieving and shooting off an attitude, I'll just focus on some goods...so here we go-- my favorite things:

:: A good song. A really really good song that just makes you feel like it was written to cheer you up at the very moment you need it. Something that matches your exact moment and fits like a glove. Right now? I guess that song would be Lost! by Coldplay, or The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson. They are not my favorites songs ever, they just fit so well right now.


:: An improv conversation with Abby. When I call her house as an alias and we continue on with a conversation for seven minutes about something completely random, I have to laugh when I think about it later on in my day because I'm impressed. Impressed that we are so ridiculously funny.



:: Mexico. I love Canada too, but Mexico taught me about something other than myself. It taught me real poverty and happiness that is provoked by something other than material things. While it was extremely sad to see how these people live it was also beautiful. Adam's Van was also a huge plus.


:: Passion. Wow what a great event. Between Louie and Francis' talks and seeing great worship leaders like Charlie Hall and Crowder (all in the same weekend), I was just at a loss for words! Passion also provided an opportunity for God to pull me out of a really rough spot when no one else could or would. While the event was only a day and a half, I'm still experiencing the effects of it 6 months later.


:: A mix CD, especially from Cole. I love hearing what other people listen to. Even if I think it's crappy. But typically, if a person takes the time to make you a CD they probably put a lot of effort into it. For instance, when I make a CD I want people to be impressed with what I listen to, therefore I give them my  best, even if it's not my favorite. I also try to cater to their tastes. I think Cole really does the same thing when she makes a CD. It's almost like artwork. While you may not have written or performed the music, you did put in the time to put all the songs together in an order you see fit.


:: Buffalo. Call me crazy but I love the snow. It's more than that though. For me, I guess it holds some sort of significance. My dad and his siblings really value the fact that they grew up there and I guess sometimes a part of me is jealous because of that. While I'm sure many of the people who have grown up wouldn't see it like that, but I loved the time that I spend/have spent there. It's so much more than flying or driving up there. It's my family, my friends, hockey, the weather, the food, and the fact that it feels like home. That's another thing. Buffalo will always be home for so many people...but no matter how long you live in Hilton Head, it still just feels like your visiting.



:: Joey and Heather's kids. They are, incredible. While Levi isn't pictured here, there is no doubt in my mind that he will be just as great as the other two they are raising. They have taught them to be polite, while still having the humor of their parents. James and Nolan are incredibly silly and never fail to put a smile on my face. And while I haven't spent much time with Levi yet (because he's only two months old), he's still adorable. Trust me, there are no other kids that I would ever take to Disney by myself. Probably not even my own.


:: Christ Church Student Ministries. Such an incredible group of kids. When I first decided that I wanted to be a youth director, I never ever imagined that I would ever find a group like this. While right now I am only a volunteer leader, I must say, there is no other group I'd rather be a part of. These students are committed and caring. They are so easy to please and really understand what it means to serve. I am so thankful for them. They really keep me going and they are one of the few reasons I am still in this area.


:: This may sound horrible, but I LOVE tv. Like really good sitcoms or HBO series.  Not so much into the typical shows like 24 or Lost. And I am NO fan of reality tv with the exception of the one season of Kid Nation that was out last year. But I love 30 minute sitcoms like it's nobody's business. Something that I don't have to be too invested in, but can still make me laugh for 22 minutes straight (we have tivo). So yes, tv is one of my favorite things.


:: And last but not least...anything that makes you go "wow. God is for real, isn't he...?" It's different things for different people. Sometimes you see it in someone. Sometimes you see it in a picture, or a moment, or a song. Maybe it's nature, maybe it's man-made. But really, anything that makes you take a second look and think about that fact that we are just here by coincidence. There's a God who loves us who just wants us to love Him back and to show Him by doing the things He's asked us to do. I'm not always doing a good job of that, but sometimes thats why I think He shows us those things: as a reminder.

1. First and foremost: the accent…not just the little bit of southern you hear, but the full on thick accent. I can handle a little bit but once the constant use of “ya’ll” is entered into a conversation I have to check out. I’m unable to concentrate if I can’t understand what the hell you are trying to say.

 

2. The poor vocabulary: I’m sure it’s more than just a southern thing, but I could be wrong. I once heard a sentence that said “Ain’t ya’ll never used a dictionary bafure” and just about lost it. I didn’t knock every Grammar test I’ve ever had out of the park, but I certainly would know better than to eff up a sentence that bad.

 

3. The Confederate Flag: I’m going to explain something to you and I’m going to need you to sit down. The War Between the States is over. The north and  south are no longer battling and there’s no need to flaunt a symbol that is completely outdated.

 

4. The idea of the “Bible Belt”: It’s a joke. Religion is not as prevalent as we make it sound down here. The fact that everyone goes to church means nothing. People make their lives as private as possible, but once someone finds something out, the “prayer requests” make their way through.

Example: We really need to pray from Anne, her husbands had a wandering eye, if you know what I mean…and we just need to prayer to the Lord for their marriage that they don’t find themselves in sin.

 

5. The weather: I can not handle not being able to leave my house because the second I do I’m going to be dripping from head to toe. It’s impossible to spend any time outside because it’s just too hot.

 

I’d go on, but at this point I think I’m just offending people.

So today is Thursday, I leave for Mexico on Monday. I'm so excited and so nervous at the same time. I want to say I'm happy nervous but people's reactions to Juarez have not been good so far. Everyone knows it's a dangerous place but I know my reasons for going over there are good. I've given it some though and I mean if guys like Shawn Claiborne can go to Iraq in the middle of a war, then why is it any less safe to go to Juarez with 15 students and 15 adults? Anyways, even though everyone thinks it's unsafe I'm still excited because someone won't have to live on the streets anymore after next week.

I'm a little sad though that Bess, Neal, and Heather won't be there. I had a lot of fun with Bess and Neal last year and I wish Heather could go even though she's pregnant. It's crazy to think she's having another boy. I think I'm the God-Parent. I'm not sure what that means, but if it means what my God-Parents did then I guess I spend lots of money on him. I don't think it'll be any different though that Nolan or James. I love them both as if they were my own already.

This summer is hot and the economy sucks. I feel like I don't have the time or money to do anything. I got a new car. I still haven't sold mine. The new one doesn't feel like my car. My old car had so much character. Dents and bumper stickers. But no a/c and it won't make it north, so I guess it was just time to upgrade. The process was hell. It was super stressful but in the end I got a great deal. It's not my favorite color, and it has a lot of hail dents but I got a really good price on it so it's fine. I'm grateful that I have parents who rather than just give me the money
or do the research for me, actually taught me to do it myself. I am not a little more self sufficient than I was the week before.

Work is really stressful. I like everyone there this year and I think we all have a good relationship and are really grasping teamwork but sometimes I just can't handle the stress. It gets to be too much and some nights it's not worth the money. I guess it's something I'm going to have to pray about while I'm in Mexico.

This summer has been good so far. I've worked, gone to Myrtle Beach, bought a car, seen Rilo Kiley, and continued to struggle to figure out the next step in my life. I have no clue about Pittsburgh anymore. I have completely stopped praying about it and listening for God's call, which is a shame considering He is a pretty important factor in it all. Anyways, I guess I need to get a move on with that and start figuring out if that's where I'm supposed to be.

I'm going to Buffalo at the end of the month. I really hope it's a good trip. Christmas was so fun and even though November's trip was stressful it was pretty great too. The last summer though ended up not being my favorite trip though and I just hope that I don't have to experience discomfort like that again. This trip should be a good one though.

All and all that's the best update I've got. I recently read back on old journal entries. I was crazy with updates and it's neat to see where I was and where I am now. I think I liked me better than. Although I was more naive, I feel as though I had a more pure heart and had been cleaned out and cleared of the corruption. I feel worn as though that new feeling as faded. Sometimes though, you can see a little glow come through...and you know I've still got some Jesus.

So it's been a while since I've written and I guess I've been busy. School ended and I started back at NYCP.

I'm just going to jump right into the reason I'm writing. Sunday night Heather called to inform me that Josh George, a former student in the Cross Youth program was in a car accident after prom Saturday. I didn't think much of it though and I think I relied on the community I am a part of to just pray for his recovery. He was on life support but Josh is a good kid, and a lot could come of his recovery; God's gotta heal him.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. Josh was on life support and since there was no brain activity, they took him off of it Tuesday morning. Student's wept at the prayer vigil I went to that day, most of them didn't even know Josh had passed. I felt as though it didn't hit me directly. i no longer attend Church of the Cross, but when I did, I often saw Cheryl (his mom) and was close with Jessie (his sister) when we both attended youth group.

But I felt for their family. I really did. And I actually still do. I've cried. Not because I miss Josh (even though, strangely enough I do). But because I know a lot of people do miss him.

I listened to stories at the memorial yesterday that were truely amazing. Stories that told about a boy who respected his mother, and was a dear friend to so many. It sounds so cheesy but it's really true. They even told a story about how Cheryl went out of town one weekend and all the kids were talking about the parties he could have and all he could say was "No I'd never do that to my mom."

I didn't have many Josh stories. He attended at the same time as 70-80 other students and it was hard to get close to everyone. But I knew who he was. Mostly because he cracked his head open on the ski trip when trying to show off for some girls. Everyone talked about him when they thought of that ski trip. We told that story even before he passed. He was so concerned with whether or not he'd get blood on his jacket.


That picture is notorious. And will continue to be. And I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I think it's safe to say for the people who were a part of his life at this time but no longer are think of him like this. But I think it's a good thing because it was a moment he was goofy and took a scary situation and lightened the moment.

I know this is becoming quite the long blog, but I also wanted to reflect a little about the people I've ran into the past few days. I haven't seen a lot of the people I used to go to youth group with. And I've recently been thinking about how I'd run into all those people at graduation and how weird it'd be. I thought that a lot of them wouldn't acknowledge me. They aren't involved in church anymore, and I'm sure they think that I'd probably just judge them or something.

But the truth is, as I saw a lot of them these past few days I a: felt for them and their loss and b: admired them.

This may sound weird but they seemed so real. They are real high school students. They don't hide the things they do and they know who they are. While I probably don't condone the things they do, I doubt I could judge them. I mean how could you? No one's asking them to live a certain way. They're real though about the way they live.

I then got frustrated at the people who were living double lives. Like the leaders of the college bible study who preach the bible and how good it is and then pack up their bibles and highlighters and go home and have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Or maybe they go out after to a party and get trashed.

Church is a place for everyone. It really is. But I think I'm just sick of seeing people hypocrites and fake people. It seems impossible to not appear as a hypocrite and be a Christian, but honestly...you could at least try not to fit the stereotype....

That's not what this blog was for though. I will continue to pray for those close to Josh. Especially his mom and siblings. I can't imagine what they are going through and truely wish I could take away any pain they may feel.

Here's a dedication to the old youth group. I really really miss these days:

You were meant for amazing things.



thanks Heather S. This was greatly needed.

As silly as it sounds happened here....

It was the opening of Passion (obviously...geez, I should just call this the freakin Passion blog or something...).

Ok well anyways, they opened with one of the most beautiful Orchestra pieces I've ever heard (Lark Ascending not included). Like seriously, I don't know how I don't cry every time I watch this video.

The music is just so beautiful and so deep. And while they play this piece, a design appears on the screen and there's a rose and it falls with the music and it's just crazy. Seriously, I probably just sound insane but it was beautiful. I felt so alive.

There was soooo much energy in the room I literally thought I'd explode. It's probably one of the memorable moments when I knew I was really feeling God. He was there. He HAD to be. And I'm sure He was just as excited because this whole freakin moment was dedicated to His Son!!! Craziness, I know...

I don't clearly remember my reaction I just remember thinking I couldn't believe I was fortunate to experience this. I know my jaw had to be open because it was like I knew God was getting ready to show me some big things. And ironically enough He did. He's neat.

Anyways, above is the video that doesn't give the moment any justice. It's not the first piece, but the second in which they played Bittersweet Symphony (which I have always LOVED)...and I'm going to type out the words that were on the screen:

HELLO ATLANTA
We're so glad you're here
We've invited you to our amazing city
To LIFT UP the Beautiful One
His name is
JESUS
His fame
Is what Passion
Is all about
Are you with us?
He's the Son of God COME DOWN
Beauty under a sinner's crown
The innocent life laid down
The One where death from grace abounds
and just in case you missed it
JESUS IS ALIVE
Our Mission
A generation awakened
To make Jesus famous
A generation marked by worship and justice
A generation working together to change the world in Jesus' name
We just came from *names the cities*
And in every city we pose the question:
Could their ever be a day when His fame echoes loudest and our campuses hear his name?
We believe it's possible
It's time
It's coming
He's here
He is
Everything bright and good
Lasting and true
Everything new
He is
Price Payer
Shame bearer
Grave Ender
Breach Repairer
Crown Wearer
Rearranger
Hope's Anchor
World Changer
Church Builder
Always Sustainer
Freeing
Loving
Neverending
He is here.



Well that's it. It's a lot. But it's true. So thanks Passion, for reminding me that Jesus is alive. All day, everyday.

So, I'm in class right now and the entire semester I've sat online and just ignored the monotone lecture.

But today I kind of wanted to recap a little bit on the past two weeks.

Since I got home from Passion, I've had a bit of a change going on in my heart. It's amazing what 27 hours can do for you. The things that were not at all appealing to me a few weeks ago, have now gone back into my interests. And they're all positive things; reading my bible, going to church, growing spiritually.

There's been a shift in my attitude as well. Before if you asked how I was doing you'd think something tragic had occurred in my life, but I've tried to be more positive. I've tried to be more cooperative with the people in my life and just shifting everything as a whole. It's really been an uplifting experience.

Also, I've added podcasts to my agenda. I've started listening to a couple different speakers, mostly related to Passion. It's really helped me grasp some things in the bible as well as find where I stand theologically on certain things.

A recent thing that I've really started to address in my life is materialism. I heard a message recently that really convicted me on what we spend our money on and whether it's good stewardship. Now, I'm the last person to be able to tell someone they are not good stewards of their money, but I personally felt convicted. I'm really just trying to figure out where I stand on a few things.

But when I called Joey to rant about my recent epiphany, he suggested I speak about it at youth group. So within the next week I will have hopefully created some sort of message to speak at CCSM within the next couple weeks or so. I'm nervous though, I've never really spoke on something I became passionate about so quickly.


In other news....
Youth Sunday is in 10 days. We will be singing 10 songs. Woah, that's a lot.

I'm going to sing Hosanna. REALLY exciting. I just hope no one has ever heard Brooke Fraser or Christy Nockels do it cause I'll butcher it next to them. I wanted to learn a little more about the song though so that I really had a grasp on the meaning and why it was written. Here's a video blog Brooke Fraser did for the song explaining how she wrote it:

hahahahahahahahhaahahhaha this was really funny.


I'm not sure how this started, but in the year of 2007 a group formed called the No Klax Club. The group had 5 members and met in the half bath at Joey and Heather's old house.



We met once, for a meeting called "First Order of Business" and never returned again. Thanks for the reminder of this great moment in time, Heather.

So, I guess it's a good week when you post twice in a row and it's not negative.

It's been a really long time since I've read my bible. I've had people bribe and pry so much in the past year and I think that last weekend was just what I needed to really get that push. And I've used this blog so much for venting the negative that when I had something really positive going on, I really felt the need to write!

So today when I was riding to Savannah, I was listening to Louie Giglio's podcast. Somewhere in all of his tangents and random ideas he decided to send some encouragement to the people who had finals and projects coming up these next few weeks. Even though I rarely feel the stress of school (probably not a good thing) I really enjoyed the passage he read to let everyone know how God wants us to endure.

So here it is, it's long but I wanted to type it out:

Colossians 1:9-14

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.
And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord that may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,
being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience and joyfully
giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.
For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves
in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

So that's long and if you don't want to read through it, I understand. Trust me. I would have read Jesus wept before last weekend. It would have been to long for me and I would not have been able to hold my attention for those two words.

Well, someone must have been praying hard for me. In fact I know a lot of you were and for that I thank you and can only hope that I can return the favor. I feel like while I was struggling so many people were telling me that they would pray for me and I feel like I just disregaurded it. But as you can see above Paul talks about how they haven't stopped praying for them. So whoever has people like that in their life must be lucky. Well, I feel like I have people like that in my life and I feel like they would be the people I wouldn't expect and so even though those people probably don't read this blog, I thank them.

I hope this is the start of a good streak. I know it's so cliche to have a turn around but oh well, it is well needed.

Passion was incredible.
No words.
except maybe, Jesus.
That'd be a good one.


I have amazing friends who make me feel great and they provided the greatest birthday I've ever had.
I've never been so excited to hear the voicemails I heard, receive the texts I got, and just the fact that they made me feel so incredibly special.
Bess' cake was amazing.

Our God reigns.
Forever, Your kingdom reigns.

Mexico is becoming more and more of a reality.
I'm scared.
And excited.

I'm so excited for this generation and the actions they take.
But I'm also so scared for them.
Because not all of them will make it.
Some will fall.
And my heart breaks for those.
But it also rejoicing for the ones who will really prosper and follow God.

I'm going to go back to church.
And maybe read my bible.
And be cliche.
But I'm alright with it.
Because it's something that should have happened a long time ago.

It was such a hard time.
But I know it's getting better.
My heart is ready.
I'm ready.
To go.

Me and Hailey


Me and Wavey


Me and Sara


The girls not really wanting to pay attention haha


Have a safe trip back to Okinawa girls! I will miss you a lot. Hope to see you again soon.

Today is Easter. Exactly one year ago today was my last Sunday at Church of the Cross. I remember it really well. I could barely handle it because I knew I wasn't supposed to be going there anymore. I think I left that day knowing that I wouldn't be coming back there for a service for at least a long while.

I went to another church for about three months and then realized that it was to long of a drive to not really love it as much as I thought I was capable of. Nine months ago I stopped going entirely. My search was defeated. I realized that I had no idea what I was looking for but it must not exist.

So now I sit here on Easter Sunday, fully dressed for church in sear-suckered pants and a newly bought easter jacket and earrings that I got just so that I would go to church. But, my hair isn't blow dried. And my left eye keeps watering and messing up my mascara. So now, for the 36th Sunday in a row, I have found yet another excuse not to go.

There's other reasons too though. This wasn't thoroughly planned out I guess. I mean, I decided I wanted to go last night, because even people who don't go to church go on Easter. I'm pretty sure they think it's in the ten commandments extremely clear, "thou shalt attend the churches on Easter Sunday to help them reach their full capacity."

I couldn't do it. I can't be a CEO (Christmas, Easter, one other time). And I also knew it was going to be a traditional service and I wouldn't have been able to sit through it. I was late too. I was supposed to be there at least 20 minutes ago to meet my fellow CEOs.

So what do I do now? I've reached the point where people beg, bribe and bet me to do the things I once got excited over.

I so badly want answers to what I should do. I know I definitely need to get back out and try some more churches. I have about two Sundays lined up for that, assuming I don't blow them off. I just know God probably won't call me somewhere else if I'm not listening and right now I have NO accountability for anything.

As for today, Easter Sunday, the day that EVERYONE goes to church, I'll be here sitting on my bed with my hair wrapped in a towel, all dressed for the largest church day of the year. Today though, SINCE it's Easter, maybe I kind find a Jay sermon online to listen to and pretend that I went to church.


lsdkfj;lskdfljasdkflj;alkdfjlkasdjflksajdflksajdfl;askdjf AHHH what am I going to do?!?!

I'm glad that TV is back from the writer's strike. I was seriously missing some of my favorite shows. And I have spent the last two Saturday's watching SNL.

But seriously, the political stuff is kind of going overboard. I understand that it's topical but NBC, you have clearly stated your stance. We know you stand for Hilary, and we don't care.

So for the past few months my family has been elected winners of a couple media oriented magazines. We now get Rolling Stone and Entertainment Weekly on a regular basis. I never really glance through unless I find something extremely interesting on the cover (usually a good Britney story, or the whole Heath Ledger thing), but I decided to look through the past couple ones we received.

I obviously am not as in touch with all the Entertainment Insider stuff as the rest of the world. I am not as religious about making sure I know every detail like my mother is. However, all the magazine titles all see to carry the same stories. They are constantly searching for the scoop on your favorite celebrities to hate. And most of them don't even have talent, the basis of their existence is so that you can know everything they do, when they do it. It's pretty sad.

But even as I sit and watch tv, or look through a magazine only one word comes to mind. This especially has to do with what's on TV. Everyone is searching for something. We can't just let love happen on it's on anymore. We have to have websites like Eharmony and Match.com to desperately seek out the person we want to love. And who knows if those people in the ads even love the other person for as long as they say they do/will. We are just desperately seeking ANYTHING.

The media does the same thing. We now have reality shows that are seeking. They want to know who has talent. "Can you sing? Dance? Act? WE NEED YOU." The media is making it widely known "WE NEED 'TALENT'"

And the funny thing is, they rarely find it! Talent had much higher quality back when people weren't frantically looking for it.

Take other decades for example. You didn't need advertisements to find the Beatles, or your spouse. It just happened.

But it works I guess. TV shows like American Idol and The Best Dancer, or whatever those shows are really called. And Match.com Findamate.com, all those things, are successful in their goal- to fulfill the needs of those seeking.

A blog on the article I actually read in Rolling Stone, Britney Spears: An American Tragedy, will appear shortly.

I probably should be studying. I have a midterm tomorrow in my religion class and I'm sure that I should be more focused on Solomon's life than my own at the moment but I heard two songs tonight that really just reached me. I also should be studying for my Mellow Mushroom test next week. So I can't tell you about Ancient Jerusalem or what 24 beers are on draft at Mellow Mushroom. But I can tell you about two songs.

So it's no secret that I'm sad. I obviously have gotten myself in such a rut that it seems nearly impossible to get myself out of, but I have moments both good and bad. Anyways, today I wound up listening to some David Crowder to prepare myself for Passion. Even though its months down the road, I figure I need preparation considering the closest thing that I have come to church is youth group last week and the closest thing I have come to community is Anderson last year.

Anyways, I started to focus on Come Awake. This was a big song for me when Mike died. Wow, it seems ages ago since that happened. I haven't forgot. It's not as obvious in my life as it was in the past, but it's still there and still creeps into my dreams from time to time. I wonder if it always will, but that's not the point. The point in Come Awake by David Crowder.

The song actually has a little story that goes with it. The song appears to be about death and coming to life through Jesus. It's really inspiring. I decided to listen to it tonight while messing around on the computer. It came on and towards the end of the song a noise goes off like some sort of alarm. It sounds like either a flat line or waking up. It's hard to decipher but it really reached me. I actually got chills throughout my whole body and my hair stood on end. I so badly wanted to put it to visual. Since you tube has not yet been able to provide a well edited video in unison with the song, I had to leave it to my imagination.

Anyways, I'm really relating to this song, or at least I'm desperate to relate to it. The lyrics that best reached are found in the chorus. "Come awake, from sleep arise. You were dead, you come alive. Wake up Wake up open your eyes. Climb from the grave into delight. Bring us back to life." As I listen to it now, even with all the things on my mind, I still get goosebumps when he starts to repeat. Wake up Wake up. Rise Rise Rise. I'm just wish already something would move forward in my life spiritually.

The second song was the end of So, In This Hour. When TRS performs it live, he adds an ending that is just incredible. The piano, the lyrics. It's so perfect and it's everything I need to hear right now.

When I'm lost and it seems the end, like there's only certain death, You tell me to live.
When dark clouds cover the sky, like there's no hope, you are the light, and You tell me to live.
When I'm all by myself, and I'm scared about my health, You tell me to live.
And when you heal my broken wings, yes, you heal my everything... You tell me to live.

It's just perfect. It fully explains how God is our light when everything else is dark. It's really hard to see. I just don't know what to do anymore. I never realized how much I'd miss a church family the way I do now. They shouldn't be everything in your faith but when they helped build the foundation, my world nearly fell apart when they all left. It's hard. Everyday has been a struggle. It's not even guilt anymore about not being good enough. It's just fact. I do nothing to be worthy of any sort of leadership position or any sort of role model. There's no one leading me. I won't let them. I'm just ready to be healed and told to live.

I didn't plan on writing a blog tonight. I'm not even sure what I wrote the last time I was on here. It couldn't have been to long ago though.

Anyways, as I was playing my incredibly time consuming "computer game that takes up the whole screen" and I began thinking about Valentine's Day. Surprisingly, my thoughts were not critical nor bitter. I didn't even think of it as "Single's Awareness Day" as those without a romantic figure title it. While my opinion, significant other or not, has always been that Valentine's Day is a waste because you should treat that person great more than one day a year, I began to consider the other opinion. I began to consider those who are truly, really in love.

Now, I don't believe I have ever been in love. And if I really have been in love the time I thought I was in love it is no longer relevant. It's not that I no longer love that person (even though I'm pretty sure it's not love) that person no longer loves me nor acknowledge my existance...even if he once did.

Anyways, that's not the point. The point that I began to focus on in my many arrangement of thoughts while playing my stupid ridiculous Solitaire Addictive type game was love and what it's really like.

If I had to pinpoint what love must be like, I'm going to have to say it's like that Beach Boys song, God Only Knows. Love is obviously not something you can see or touch. And I'm sure there are many other amazing love songs that have tried so hard to pinpoint what falling in love really is...but I am pretty sure that this song puts it best.

The two verse- three minute song does not go into incredible detail. It does not go into the detail of the person. How she looks or acts, it just traps in the feeling that the writer (I imagine, Brian Wilson?) feels.

The main focus of the song is the title, God Only Knows (what I'd be without you). I am not a sucker for anything of the romantic nature...however, I find this song actually incredibly sweet. I mean whether this person believes in love or not, he really questions where he'd be and what importance his life would have without the person he loves. Now I mean, I've love Jesus so I've always got that when all else fails (and at all times). But this person seems to be able to show a romantic love that I have yet to experience.

So even if you are not in love, or you don't want to believe that you are capable of experiencing love...well than at least fall in love with the song and it's harmonies.

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

 

My Auto Biography

            My name is Katie Kavanaugh. I’ve lived in South Carolina for 13 years and I have disliked it for about 90 percent of the time. I believe that good has come out of me living here, however it has become my least favorite place to be. Don't get me wrong, I feel completely blessed as far as my life goes, I just I believe that as soon as the opportunity presents itself I will move north.

            I was actually born here, April 11, 1988. It’s also same day that the Hilton Head Mall opened. However, we did not live here long. About a year after I was born we packed our things and moved to Buffalo. It was cold, there was lots of snow, and I loved it. While I only lived there for seven years, I remember almost everything about it. I have traveled back twice a year since we have moved back to Hilton Head. I still have family and friends there.

            We had to move to Hilton Head when I was in second grade because my parents could make a better living down here. I was not at all happy about living somewhere that was hot for a majority of the year but by high school I was able to handle it.

At the end of my freshmen year of high school I began to attend church. While I was not a much of a fan, the people intrigued me. They seemed to be extremely welcoming and kind. I decided to get involved and by the end of the summer I had become a fully functioning member of Church of the Cross.

Within my involvement, I became especially involved with the youth program, particularly middle school. I decided by midway through my sophomore year that I was going to go into youth ministry as a profession. It is now three years later, and while not much time has passed, my mind has not changed.

I am not currently as involved as I once was. I helped out with Christ Church of Savannah’s youth program my senior year of high school and part of my freshmen year of college. I went away to a Christian school my freshmen year of college, but decided to come home based on finances.

Since then I have been trying to get a plan together for my life. I definitely know what I would like to do, as mentioned above; I just don’t know how to get there. Some of my interests, other than church and ministry include music and hockey. I am a huge fan of hockey and spend time watching about two games a week. As for music, I spend a lot of time finding new music. My collection has grown to over 3000 songs as of today, but I update it frequently.

I’m interested to learn what this class has to offer as far as knowledge goes.

I once heard this stupid girl in my history class yesterday say "My blood is so thin, I can't handle it getting any colder than 60 degrees."

I laughed and thought about how I hate it when it gets any warmer than 60 degrees.

Then I started thinking about that whole idea of how people from the south have thin blood. I've decided that if you stabbed me in the stomach nothing would come out cause my blood is too thick.

I wish it snowed.

Turn, look, look out and see
Do you see me?
'Cause I think I see you
I've been some other place
The wind that I chase
It all just leads back to you
Oh how I'm still, so still
It's sobering, but still I ran
I knew you when I was young
But where am I now that I'm a man

Run to you
I will run, I will run
I will move right on through all of these things that I have done
And you'll take me back
I don't know why
I want to say I'll never do it again
But I can't
But I will try

Turn, look, look out and see
Do you see me?
Because I think I see you
I've been some other place
The wind that I chase
It all just leads back to you
Oh how I miss what you miss
But I will fall time and again
And I will say that I'm true to you
But I'm a cheat
I don't understand

So I'll run to you
I will run, I will run
I will move right on through all of these things that I have done
And you'll take me back
I don't know why
I want to say I'll never do it again
But I can't
But I will try

 

So this song has a lot of meaning for me. I'm listening to it right now with headphones and it just really touches my heart. I have been some other place lately and no matter what I still end up with God. Whether it's in my thoughts or heart. I've really stressed not being a part of a church, and while that's hard it doesn't mean God hasn't been a large part of my life.

I wanna say that I'll never do it again. This falling away thing, but I can't. But I will try.

I shouldn't even have to explain. This line says it all. I feel awful that it's like this. That I lack consistency but it's real hard. I wish I could share my feelings for this song and my relation to it, but as I sit here and try to put it into words I find it is to hard to find the words.

I was reading interpretations of this song and some people are so silly. This one fool decided to correct everyone and say that this song has nothing to do with Jesus. I hope that person one day gets to experience this relationship because it will become clear that once you have a relationship with Him, then it is easier to find the spiritual meaning within the songs.

Anyways, this song is great. It really pinpoints the difficulties we face in our relationship with Jesus. If you read this and you are not Desiree, check it out.

I say not Dez cause I know she listens to Do You Feel enough for the both of us ;-)